As far as nerds go, you might consider that I am a markedly mellow one. Sure, I have a blog devoted to my nerdiness. Certainly, my office is crammed with thousands of comic books. Of course I have a chest containing 99.9% of the video games I ever owned. That is not the mark of my intensity—it is the quality of my pedigree. No, the mark of my intensity is the fact that I am not crippled by my nerdiness—I define it as opposed to the opposite. My life does not begin and end in my interests and endeavors—I have a profession, I have wife, I have two children, and a mortgage. My pursuits into the realms of fantasy and escapism have bounds and limits. Take this opening as a baseline for the comments that follow.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY COMIC BOOKS DC?

You see with fair and honest deference to the aforementioned intensity of my nerditude, I can only be pushed so far. In an attempt to continue the pursuit of my interests in a limited capacity I found myself at something of a crossroads. It became blaringly apparent that on a week to week basis I would no longer be able to afford myself the luxury of going to my local comic book provider, peruse the shelves and spend my customary eighty to one hundred and twenty dollars a week on comic books.

This became apparent in the late spring of 2010 when I began my masters. I made some provisions and was able to once every month or so drop twenty or thirty dollars on my vice, but this was small pittance for an almost insatiable habit. Fortunately, though I missed the large quantity of comics terribly, in a rigorous graduate program I had little (mind you that’s “little” not “no”) time for comic book reading. After completion of my course of study I found myself in the gleeful position of expecting a second child from my wife by years’ end and the coming responsibility of a mortgage payment. This was May 2011.

As luck would happen to have it May 2011 also saw the announcement of the “New 52” FROM Boss DiDio and Boss Lee over at DC Comics. I saw this as fortuitous. I would not really be bringing any money until September and that was when the new DCU or DCnU would be launched. It was fortuitous because it incidentally followed my birthday in late August and I knew I could count on my mother, even in my late twenties, to give me comic book money for my birthday. I decided it would be best to invest in a few subscriptions and at least I would know that I would have a meting out comic book escapism every week at regular intervals.

When the time came I subscribed to four titles and received a fifth free, as was the promotion at the time. I expected a week or two might pass before I started receiving comics in the mail. DC was even touting that a LIMITED NUMBER of first run number ones would be held for new subscription customers while supplies lasted. Hurrah, hope sprang up.

Weeks passed.

In mid-October I gave DC a call. They informed me that delivery took 6-8 weeks. I was dismayed as this was a long delay from release to reception on my part. I don’t live in Myanmar thirty-five years ago. This seemed like an incredible amount of time to wait for an issue to be delivered. I had actually ordered my subscriptions in late September, so I expected I might miss a few number ones, but certainly I expected second issues to arrive the week the came out. Wasn’t that the beauty of subscription service? The newspaper, People Magazine, and other periodicals come in a reasonable amount of time—why would comic books take so long? The idiot on the phone assured me that this was all explained to me when I ordered my subscriptions online. I walked through the process to double check that and I saw none of it. I will gladly stand corrected if someone can point out such an amazing wait disclaimer. I informed the moron on the line that I certainly would not have opted for the service if I thought that my comics would be 6-8 weeks late forever. The angry nerd in me came out. I hung up the phone having figured I had only two more weeks to wait for my comics to arrive.

More weeks passed.

It was now Halloween weekend. Lo and behold in my mailbox was Green Lantern number 3. I was confused. Certainly that comic book must have come out that week. It matter not that it was Saturday and comics are issued on Wednesday. I thrilled at receiving a new comic book. The imbecile I spoke to misinformed me—it took 6-8 for service to begin not for delivery. While still a long processing time the minute difference in explanation amounts to a very different matter. Regardless, I was now happy as my comic book service would now begin.

Two weeks passed.

After what I attributed to be a skip week two comics came in the mail. Superman and Batman. I was fine with two arriving in one week. If those books are on the same release week I could cope—it wasn’t ideal but it was something. The next week to my amazement Justice League number 3  arrived on Wednesday. WOOHOO! I read it with vigor.

I have not received any comics since then.  I know for a fact I should have received Action Comics number 3 two weeks ago, and probably should have received Green Lantern by now. The timing of these comics arrival is confusing and annoying to me. I am displeased with the accountability of DC with their delivery. I saw Action Comics number 3 in the goddamned supermarket the other day. THE SUPERMARKET. Why should I EVER see a comic book in the aisles of a third tier comic book vendor before my pre-paid subscription title is received?

So I pose the question—is this some plot? Is it a ploy to have me switch to an inferior digital model? It’s the only viable reason for a USPS based delivery of a comic book to be so inconsistent. It doesn’t take 6-8 weeks to process a mailing request if a digital copy can be delivered instantaneously. At least 2-3 would be a reasonable amount of time that I wouldn’t have wanted to wait but as I said…I’m mellow. This has me pissed.

I’m a life-long DC reader. By ordering directly from them, at a time when they are promising timeliness and accountability has turned me off incredibly from future dealings with subscription service (though I may give it a second shot should I get some money to do so—but probably with Marvel to see if it’s a consistent trend). So I ask:

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BOOKS?

More as this story develops.

Arkham is a mental hospital for the criminally insane that is located just outside of Gotham City and it houses the lion’s share of Batman’s foes. Of the foes committed within there is one who I wish to expound upon in this article—a villain, so called, that in another life actually helped to incarcerate many of his fellow in-mates; none other than former Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent aka Two-Face.

Two-Face has always had incredible potential to be a complicated, complex, and thoroughly enjoyable character. Before being scarred by acid in a dramatic mob-related court room assassination attempt, Dent was a promising young district attorney aligned with both Police Commissioner Jim Gordon and The Batman in a trinity force that—at least in Loeb and Sale’s The Long Halloween—was committed to taking down the mob in Gotham (and the costumed loonies as well). A brave and bold force of justice with a brilliance in him Dent was then emotionally and mentally unhinged when he was disfigured on half of his face (and body, presumably).

At this point Two-Face’s depiction becomes somewhat befuddled. Classically, Two-Face’s modus operandi has been an obsession with the number two—supposedly having to do with the dual visage he bears as his disfigurement. This is where the characterization starts to fall apart. A brilliant lawyer who was charismatic enough to be elected to the position of district attorney in a city as large as Gotham would most likely not have a breakdown of this sort. While this specific and most recognizable flair fits into Golden Age sensibilities of comic book villains, and characters in general a modern approach (as I will provide) will show a direction that in my formidable estimation would be best suited for the DCnU.

The Golden and Silver Age (and to some extend the so-called Modern Age) deal heavily with the idea that Two-Face’s schemes revolve around this plot point of his obsession with the number two. He might use a .22 caliber pistol, or rob the Twin Pines Mall, or steal 22 million dollars as 22:22 military time from the 2^nd national bank in Timbuktu. I recall in the story arc A Lonely Place of Dying by Wolfman and Perez (the story arc that introduces Tim Drake) there is a scene where Batman is scheming to lure Two-Face to a prize and Two-Face is scheming to lure Batman to is doom. The scene is overtly aware of the over-use of the silly Two-Face gimmick as Batman is trying to come up with different traps involving two while Dent is trying to come up with inventive new ones.  Eventually Bruce Wayne puts a 22 million prize up while Two-Face kidnaps twins in two ploys that have them both going in opposite directions. The damn thing acknowledges itself.

There is even some support of this in his usage of a two-faced (or double-sided) coin with one side scarred in his decision making process but I don’t feel that this is the kind of obsession a man with the history and intellect of Harvey Dent would have—even when heeding the awesome transformative might of insanity and breakdown.

What I would propose, and indeed what I would write myself, would be the character of Harvey Dent becoming morally polarized. Instead of obsessing over duos and plurals I would see the character perseverate upon duality and plurality. A talented man well versed in law now jaded with an easily manipulated system Harvey Dent, Two-Face, would lose the ability to see moral ambiguity forsaking any shades of grey and becoming a force of his own brand of justice. I see Two-Face not as a lawman turned bank robber but rather as the deputized establishment gone renegade. Two-Face the Vigilante, Two-Face the Punisher; not Two-Face the coin flipping pun, not Two-Face the plot gag.

Close examination of television and movie depictions of the character reveal this potential as well. My first encounters with the character come from the Batman: The Animated Series cartoon of the early 90’s. This was a capable and confident Two-Face; a man who did justice to his own history insofar as his competence as a criminal and an intellect. He was, for lack of a better term, a boss. He came on strong, bold, with a clear plan and expectation for what it is that he wished to accomplish—certainly many of his decisions hinged on the flip of a coin but, without taking anything away from that particular idiosyncratic trait, remember this was also a children’s cartoon. The Paul Dini/Bruce Timm Two-Face is a strong character that, at least in the onset of the series, is not so terribly over the top (given the medium) that he could be discounted as a serious threat.

On the other hand, there is the Two-Face as portrayed by Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever. My god. What a terrible movie. Joel Shitmaker certainly had the crap gods smiling upon him when they churned out this waste of my dime (actually my father’s dime). Without getting too much into the awful decisions made all around in this movie I will attempt to discuss the Two-Face contained within. Harvey Dent so-called as portrayed Tommy Lee Jones was somehow an exponentially more cartoonish figure than the Dini/Timm version could have ever hoped to be. On an acid trip. In Oz. With Rip Taylor as your guide. Somehow they managed to take every over the top, ridiculous, and downright nonsensical piece of the character and exponentially amplify it to the level of ultimate retardation. I’m not even going to waste our time (yours as the reader and mine as the writer) giving a multitude of examples—suffice it to say that the character is so thoroughly one-dimensional and oafishly portrayed and written that he is defeated by a bag of half dollars thrown in the air. The end. That’s all folks. If my memory serves Batman doesn’t even bother to punch him afterwards. This is a brilliant man? I think not.

Now, as much as I find Batman Forever to be a blight upon humanity, from its Broadway Gay lighting schemes to Jim Carrey playing the Joker in a Riddler costume, The Dark Knight is its polar opposite. I won’t delve too deeply into recap or critique on this movie either but the portrayed of Harvey Dent/Two Face by Aaron Eckhart in this movie is leagues better, parsecs better, than what we’ve got going on with Jones. First, the emphasis on the characterization of the man Harvey Dent throughout the greater part of the movie really drives home the point that the heart of Two-Face is the lawyer, the district attorney, the man. The Dark Knight probably does this to a fault, because by the time Dent becomes Two-Face (in an alternate-yet-similar origin story) it seems forced and rushed because its towards the end of the movie. Even so, this Two-Face is driven by justice—not law mind you—and this is tempered and infused with chance upon mortality. Dent seeks out corrupt cops and mobsters alike and gives them one coin flip to decide their fate.

This approach is already encroaching on the Two-Face I would like to read, or would write myself.  A man whose life is about justice; before being disfigured law and after a deranged or personal sense of right and wrong—but not about robbing the second national bank on February 2^nd. There was some hinting at this kind of a Two-Face in the One Year Later event following DC’s 52 but it was quickly abandoned and forgotten. There was a quick amnesia surrounding the entire diea that Two-Face was actually operating as a hero in Gotham while Batman was gone for a year, and as if he had lost a bet to the Bat, Dent resumed his villainous ways upon Batman’s return.

(note: The Riddler has been operating as “reformed” detective for hire as something of a con-man for a while now and I think it adds something to his character. Again, why would he self-defeat by leaving clues and robbing banks? It is also interesting to note that both of these characters were poorly portrayed in Shitmaker’s first Batman debacle)

The Two-Face that needs to arrive is not a cartoonish oaf with a ridiculous obsession over the number 2 but instead a stone cold killer with his own sense of justice. One who finds himself closely aligned Batman in almost every way…except one: his willingness to kill because of his utter lack of faith or even contempt for the system. This Two-Face would be at odds with the Caped Crusader much in the way that Catwoman is (minus the sexual tension—probably) and being erstwhile allies in the protection of their city. Interestingly enough this would have him operating in a moral grey area that his own mental damage doesn’t allow him to recognize in the actions of others.

The hosts, Scott and Jared, are profoundly literate in the world of trivial nerdery, pop culture, and all the things you don’t tell people you like your first day on the job. Listening to their repartee is both welcoming and entertaining—for me I feel as if I’m listening to my high school friends bullshitting in the cafeteria. In fact I might even be inclined to say that I feel related to one of them by marriage. They are just like the guys I based my Nerdcore characters on in my novel Ten Years Gone: Pomp and Circumstance. Actually, they are all those things—but that’s not why I’ve endorsed their podcast. I guarantee you that my bonds with these parties in particular are strong enough that if their podcast sucked I’d write a review about that and link to it so that you could experience the suck for yourself (but it doesn’t hurt that I designed their fancy pants professional looking logo; seen above).

Verily, Scott and Jared are ideal hosts for this kind of format. Their timing as well as their rapport with each other allows for a fluid and natural show that doesn’t feel forced while still being thoroughly planned and outlined. They both have a natural on air presence and Scott, particularly, sounds like an NPR type with a killer humor that, at first, hits newcomers like a ton of bricks. Jared in many ways acts as a foil for the uninformed or lesser-informed listener as he is a moderate comic book nerd, a major underground music head, and something of a slightly informed wrestling outsider. The pair have intersecting interests in many areas but probably none so strong as that as television and movies. They are a perfect storm of balance for the hardcore nerd and the would-be nerd.

The show isn’t bogged down with giving the minute by minute account of the topics at hand but rather with giving the kind of silly, zany, stupidity that can only be borne from intelligence, critical thought, and horrible suppressed trauma. The entertainment value cannot be denied. So now that you’ve provided my blog with a hit go check out the Time for Pizza podcast—its available on iTunes or at this link—and you can check them out on Facebook as well. Get busy!

Anyone ever notice how black people in comics can look like anything the artist wants just so long as they meet one or two specific character design points? Case in point Lucas Bishop of the X-men (or formerly of the X-Men if you really want to get into it). Look at these pictures all of the same character.

How is that as long as you have a black guy with an M on eye (and not always the same eye) he’s Bishop? I mean I understand each artist is going to draw a fictional character differently and also that times dictate style but I mean this is a drastic difference. He’s not even the same complexion or build in all these adaptations.

I mean even Storm, while more reasonably different (as not all artists have an equal or even a good ability to render the female form) just really needs to be a buxom black woman with white hair.

It seems to me that this is a step beyond artistic integrity to a level of almost “they all look the same so who cares”. Which is of course true and should also only be applied to fictional asian characters in both comics and movies. On that note….wheres that Guy from Harold and Kumar…can we get him to play Goku, Ho Chi Min, and that asian kid that taught me geometry tricks?

–Brandon

(Multiplication by a factor of Jango Fett not required for this operation)